Zuko is
by AffinitiesOfMine
Summary: In a series of drabbles, Toph tries to find the words to describe Zuko and all the things he's grown to become through the years they've known each other. (As I had warned previously, the rating has gone up for vague mentions of depression and rarely occurring strong language.)
1. Chapter 1: Zuko is hospitable

Chapter 1: Zuko is hospitable.

He is always glad to welcome Toph at the palace and spend all his free time with his dear friend ( _free_ minutes _,_ she would correct him only to receive a useless exasperated roll of eyes in response). And he lets her train in the royal garden, though never fails to mention that _the pond is sacred, do not ruin the pond, Toph,_ to which she shrugs and says she'd try.

What Zuko would never know, she thinks, is the extra attention Toph pays to the little _puddle_ , making sure that not a single pebble ever finds its way into it.

(What Toph would never know though, is the fond smile Zuko has whenever he comes to the garden after her training. The contrast between mass destruction of the lawn and a neatly safe pond with turtleducks happily swimming back and forth being the last thing he wishes to see before going to bed.)


	2. Chapter 2: Zuko is tolerable

Chapter 2: Zuko is tolerable

Toph de facto likes to tease Zuko.

No matter how terse and sturdy he acts, he will always be her favorite pray.

Maybe it's because of his defensive fluster or the strange satisfactory feeling she gets when he huffs and puffs, but no matter what's the reason, she would never miss the chance to visit her biggest taunt target.

(However, subconsciously, Toph assumes there might be another reason she uses every opportunity to visit the Fire Nation. _It's all because of your tea_ , she would say to Uncle Iroh whenever asked about the reasons behind her visits. Though, Iroh had stopped inquiring after a while; the subtle glances and emotions telling him more than either of Toph and Zuko ever would.)

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 **Notes:** I feel like I'm enjoying writing these more than I should :P (I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them! :D)


	3. Chapter 3: Zuko is appeasing

Chapter 3: Zuko is appeasing

He is never coarse when Toph comes knocking on his door in the middle of the night ( _banging_ , he would correct her only to receive an annoyed shrug in response), and it is a privilege available to her only. And she appreciates it. And she exploits it.

So when Toph earthbends the heavy doors open to welcome herself in, Zuko doesn't even bother to ask who it is. He just lies still, and somewhat tense, in prospect of the mattress shifting under her weight. And it does, and his heart makes a funny flip, and he stuffs the speculations over the reasons why it had, somewhere into the back of his mind. It'll wait until tomorrow.

A small gap is formed between them when Toph positions herself on her back right beside him. The sigh that comes from her lips resonates soothingly against the sonorous silence of his room.

"I was just bored," she whispers, and the question of who she is trying to fool hangs over the two.

Zuko blindly feels for Toph's hand on the bed, and when he reaches it, he clutches her fingers hard enough for her to let a wince out of her mouth.

Moments later, she finds herself squeezed between his arms. Zuko's embrace is bonecrushing, and almost enough to extract all of that creeping, toxic loneliness out of her body.

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 **Notes:** This one's bigger than the previous ones; I hope it's still considered a drabble, because I'm fearing that chapters might be getting bigger from now on, which would totally kill the initial idea :(


	4. Chapter 4: Zuko is home

Chapter 4: Zuko is home

It could be somewhere between the moments she pokes fun at him and his body temperature defensively rises up; or when they spar and she never has to leave the battlefield without the satisfaction of having had a good fight. It could be his steady heartbeat that ever so easily starts to race at the slightest mention of his family, or the comfortable silence between them when they sit at the pond after training, leaning against each other's back, completely exhausted, panting and trying to catch their breath. It could be his hard and heavy steps that spit confidence into the ground, or the moments when they're left alone and he lets his guard down, ready to be fully open and honest with her.

It could be the moments somewhere between laughing fits at breakfast and pai sho sessions with him and Uncle Iroh. Or it could be the moments she comes into his office after a long day of non-stop official meetings and sits across the table with a solemn look on her face, actually worried about her friend. Somewhere there, somewhere between all those brief and snarky exchanges they have when Uncle Iroh treats them to his tea, and long and deep conversations at his bedroom on nights like this when both of them cast away their facades and let their most vulnerable thoughts out.

Or maybe somewhere between his long strokes over her hair and occasional tightening of his embrace, with them lying in his bed, asking no questions of why she broke into his bedroom at night, but really needing no explanations, either.

It was somewhere there. Somewhere there that Toph found herself finally feeling _home_.

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 **Notes:** I'm really trying my best to do justice to their personalities, and I pray to God that it's working, because I definitely don't want any of them to be out of character. D:


	5. Chapter 5: Zuko is placid

Chapter 5: Zuko is placid.

When Toph wakes up, her head is on Zuko's chest and his arm is resting around her shoulder. His warmth reaches every part of her body, and that inevitably brings a smile to her lips. _Firebenders_ , she thinks. For a long time, she doesn't move, scared to break the frailty of the moment.

It doesn't take him a long time to follow her lead, and he wakes up with the first rays of sunshine. What welcomes him from his sleep is Toph saying, "your advisors are gonna flip their shit if they find out."

"Good thing I don't care," she hears a smile in his voice.

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 **Notes:** I just want these two to have as much fluffy fluff as they possibly can. If I don't get to, let at least my favorite characters enjoy all the fluffing fluff out there :|


	6. Chapter 6: Zuko is oblivious

Chapter 6: Zuko is oblivious (or simply slow).

"I think I'm sick," Toph tells Iroh when asked about the reasons for her occasional exhausted sighs (though her fatal defeat at Pai Sho was more of a sign of discontent than anything else). He smiles knowingly in response.

"May I inquire about your symptoms?" his tone is more amused than it is curious. For a while, another sigh is the only answer he receives.

"I think there's something wrong with my heart," she puts her hand over her chest to emphasize the meaning, "it's been pounding like crazy for days now."

"That sounds serious," Iroh can barely hide his hilarity anymore. "Anything else?"

"Nah," she lies.

"Shall we call for the royal medics?"

"I'll be fine," she says and they instantly start another round of Pai Sho. They don't say anything anymore; soft thuds of tiles hitting against the board being the only sound to break silence between the two.

Iroh doesn't need to hear more, and such obviousness doesn't come to Toph's liking. (Neither does being ridiculed, but it's Uncle Iroh and he is special in every way. She'll take it out on Zuko, later.)

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 **Notes:** I am either wrong or just slow, but apparently the only way to reply to guests' reviews is by leaving notes? If so, I'm sorry it took me so long to figure that out (way to go, me!)

 **To Cc:** thank you! I really hope that I do capture their personalities well, because character complexity and development is the most important thing for me (like seriously, I'm crazy about that). Thank you for the review!

 **To Guest:** I hope it's a good kind of can't? :D Either way, thank you for taking your time to review it!


	7. Chapter 7: Zuko is terse

Chapter 7: Zuko is terse

Days go by, and Toph feels Zuko's absence in her bones. She doesn't admit it, though, because it's so much easier to punch holes in the ground and pick up fights with guards and servants, than it is to admit that she misses her best friend (because that's all he is to her and she obviously doesn't have any romantic feelings for him).

So when it's the fourth day without Zuko gracing her with his presence, she decides she's had enough with it. Except, when she comes crashing into his office, she doesn't expect him to be so edgy. He is bland and laconic when he tells her to leave him alone.

"This government stuff is going to be the end of you," she says offended by Zuko's tone.

She leaves and he covers his face with his hands. It's certainly not the government stuff that would be the end of him.

(When they have breakfast the next morning, Toph tells him she's going back to Metalbending Academy in three days, and Zuko can only respond by biting his lip (and pretending he doesn't know that Toph knows his heart is racing). But his heart _is_ racing and Toph _can_ feel it, and she wonders if he's upset, or excited or maybe it's just the _awful_ fried rice with ash bananas. She settles for the last option.)

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 **Notes:** I'm sorry for skipping yesterday's chapter, but my health didn't allow me to go near my computer all day. :(


	8. Chapter 8: Sometimes, Zuko is irresolute

Chapter 8: Sometimes, Zuko is irresolute.

When it gets too late for the servants to be up to ask her any unnecessary questions and offer any unneeded help, Toph quietly takes herself out on a walk across the palace. She's learned to navigate her way through the serpentine halls effortlessly; she knows every turn and pebble. She knows how many steps it takes to rich the throne room. She's counted the strides from the Fire Lord's office to her chambers numerous times. She's learned the pathways of the cavernous palace the same way she's learned her own body; through touch and time.

Toph appreciates the solitude of nighttime. She would prefer the agreeable silence of the guards to verbosity of servants for a hundred years. She could walk through the palace with her feet in shoes and still handle herself perfectly.

But when she feels Zuko's footsteps nearing her, she's taken aback. Just a little fraction.

"What are you doing here, Sparky?" her question receives no response other than the halt of his steps. That should be enough of an answer.

"I was wondering the same thing," Zuko's voice is drowsy like he had just been pulled out of his slumber and pushed out of the bed. Toph doesn't bother to react and continues her stroll. His pace falls sluggishly behind.

"You're leaving tomorrow," he says attempting to break the heavy silence between them.

"Today, actually," she huffs. He's been locked away in his office for days, uptight for no apparent reason, giving her no proper explanation for his unusually aloof behavior. And that is really all he can think to say?

Aggravated, Toph takes herself back to her room. Before closing the doors behind herself, she turns to look in his general direction. She can't see him to read his expression, and that _bothers_ her, this one time, it does.

One more chance. That's all he deserves. (And all she needs.)

"Got anything to say?"

His heart skips a beat, anxiously, and then instantly falls back into its usual rhythm. Toph will spend the night scrutinizing every possible reason for it.

She hates his voice when he says, "good night."


	9. Chapter 9: Zuko is distant

Chapter 9: Zuko is distant.

A year is a very short time.

A single Spring of blooming flowers, feelings rising to their peak. A quick and tempered Summer with outbursts of rain. An Autumn, the time of golden leaves showering the ground. A Winter of white and chilling beauty. And then, before you know it, it's back to Spring again.

 _A year is a very short time_ is a mantra that has found its new home in Toph's restless mind. It now lives in the neighborhood of _I don't care_ , but that irritatingly insisting, obnoxious thought that lingers on in her mind every night and morning (and really every minute she doesn't spend yelling at her students in the Metalbending Academy) keeps her just a step away from truly believing her new rumination.

Longing for someone has never been on her agenda, and consistent insecurity has never made it to the top of her priorities. The nights Toph stays up far beyond acceptable, she welcomes the first glimmers of sunshine breaking through her window with a betraying hope that across the ocean, maybe, he would be awoken to the same beams of sunlight. It is hard to ignore this thought, and it is even harder to ignore the soreness in her chest that has now become a faithful companion of any remembrance of Zuko.

It has been a year full of jamming heartache and tears somewhere into a place where no one could see, not even her. A year of grinning and pretending that it is okay and she really, _honestly_ doesn't care.

In Spring, she returned to her academy. In Summer, the Sun became her enemy that never let him leave her mind in a persistent reminder of the fire, the heat, and the warmth of his body. In Autumn, he still hadn't gotten in touch with her. And in Winter, she had given up on counting on the bond of their friendship. It doesn't mean anything to him. Oh, and also, _she doesn't care._

Well maybe, just a little fraction.

Because the question of what exactly goes through his head has been left unanswered, hovering above all her other thoughts, spoiling them with its bitterness. And it's really just this state of unawareness that bothers her. Nothing else. At all.

So when she gets to a point where the feeling of unknowing is a little bit too much to bear any longer and she finds herself fighting the urge to ask someone to help her write a letter, even if just a single word of insult, her dignity comes with a bold reminder of self-respect. No one has cancelled pride. Because she doesn't care.

She really, honestly doesn't care.

And a year is a very short time, anyway.

 **Notes:** I am so sorry for the long absence. I've been working two jobs, studying at the university and all that with health issues. I'm still in the midst of finals, but I found a little free time to escape from reality and write a little something. I miss this story so much, it's painful.


	10. Chapter 10: Zuko is slow

Chapter 10. Zuko is slow.

Zuko doesn't like Toph.

He likes their meals together. When she visits him, breakfast feels a little less like a mandatory segment of his daily schedule, but rather a morning worth every minute spent.

He likes her sense of humor. When she jokes, his laughter always comes from the belly, and his cheekbones hurt of laughing so much.

He likes her strength of character. She would've controlled the element of earth even without being an earthbender. Her confidence and stamina would be enough to break rocks.

But Zuko doesn't like Toph. Not romantically.

So it's only natural that sighing has now become the most adequate response to every time that Uncle Iroh asks him about Toph's wellbeing. Because Zuko doesn't like Toph.

Her presence makes things easier, her wit makes life somewhat less gloomy, her strength is contagious enough to make him a bit tougher, her bending skills are motivational. But liking Toph is not something the Fire Lord would do. The Fire Lord is expected to do many things, but liking an Earthkingdom girl is not one of them.

It took him every single ounce of will power to hold back from getting in touch with her.

But it's only because she is a dear friend.

Because Zuko doesn't like Toph.

(Maybe just a little bit, and only when she is in his bedroom at night, shedding all her doubts and mistrust to a point where she is strong enough to be weak in his arms. And even then, it is most probably just a feeling of appreciation for her trust.)


	11. Chapter 11: Zuko is burdened

Chapter 11. Zuko is burdened

When it rains, Toph hides in her room. It drains her mind and body, descending unto the earth with a grace unattainable to her, with every drop that falls down and bounces off the ground reminding her of all the things she was meant yet failed to be. The smooth and steady melody of it is too much for her troubled mind to bear.

But deep inside, there is a gnawing thought that the reason downpours make her anxious is more than merely their delicacy.

When it rains, she doesn't walk around barefoot, never letting the wet ground touch her feet even if just slightly. The feeling of the earth under the rain is unnatural, _bizarre_.

For the rain makes the earth softer, when the earth is meant to be tough.

So when she hears the news that Uncle Iroh has fallen sick, Toph lets the rain do its thing, wasting no time to care for the ghastly feeling under her feet when she rushes outside.

She is at the Fire Nation in no time, and Zuko's exhausted heartbeat is the first thing to welcome her when she enters Uncle's room.

Today, Toph has decided that the earth can be soft. Even if it was meant to be tough.

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 **Notes:**

To Guest: thank you so much for your review! I'm really happy that you enjoy this series, and I hope I will keep you in awe until the end :D


	12. Chapter 12: Zuko is comforting

12\. Zuko is comforting

When Zuko's body temperature is lower than usual and his heartbeat is slower than what Toph is used to, she knows better than to let her crudity and boldness marvel in a heated argument of unresolved issues.

When he doesn't utter a single word of curiosity or surprise the moment he sees her enter the room, she knows that her presence is more than welcome.

For a long time, she doesn't move. She is standing at the threshold and Zuko is sitting on the floor next to Uncle Iroh's bed, all of them in complete silence. Three different breathing patterns and heartbeat rhythms echo through her mind giving her something to concentrate on, keeping her mind off the fact that Uncle Iroh might never make tea for them again, that nothing in their lives will ever be the same again.

She manages to fight her tears back, although the way she does it remains unknown to her. She doesn't dare to speak trapping her emotional whirlwind inside her head, scared to shatter the only remaining hope with her questions.

When she finally gains some composure, she sits down on the floor by Zuko.

The space between them is tiny but it's cold and she swears it could fill the entire Universe. They have bricked a wall of unspoken fear, unasked questions, and unconfessed regrets between each other, and Toph wonders what they would have to do to unblock it.

She doesn't have to wonder for a long time, though, as moments later she feels his unexpectedly cold hand gripping hers.

The space between them is tiny, and it's suddenly a little bit warmer in the room.


	13. Chapter 13: Zuko is soft

Chapter 13. Zuko is soft

When his hand reaches for hers, it is an unusually cold touch and she can't hold it in anymore. She lets her hair down, presses her forehead against the edge of Uncle Iroh's bed, and hiding her face with her long dark locks, she is no longer suppressing her tears.

Toph is tough and it's hard to make her cry, and with her ability to see into people's hearts it's even harder to surprise her.

Except now, she cries long and hard and she isn't certain if it's because Iroh's lying figure is so serene, or because all the months of Zuko's silence have finally crashed into her heart. She doesn't know for sure but she also doesn't care to think about it; she'll make up an excuse tomorrow.

And when she feels Zuko's face so near to hers, mimicking her position with his forehead against the bed, and when she hears stifled sniffs and muffled moans, she is surprised.

And she grips his hand a little tighter, reminding him that he is not alone, and he will never have to be. He knows so well how to push people away, and all he needs now is to learn to pull them back in.

And for today, Toph thinks it's okay to be his teacher.

Sitting on the floor, they hold hands in silence, fingers intertwined, foreheads pressed against the bed, eyes dry and swollen.

They stay silent, wondering whose line should come first, Zuko's apologizing or Toph's antagonizing.

But when Zuko turns his face to look at Toph, her hair strands are stuck to her tearstained face, her bottom lip is trembling, and her hand emits the warmth that he's been longing for, for so long, and really, he thinks, how does anything even matter if she is here now, and he doesn't have to uphold an image of a strong leader anymore, because even if he tries to lie that everything is okay, she knows better.

Toph thinks the sound of her name has never been softer when he says, "Toph."


	14. Chapter 14: Zuko is cautious

Chapter 14: Zuko is cautious.

The moment she hears him call her by her name, all the anger and confusion are released from her heart in an instant, and she starts to wonder if this year of no communication even happened at all. She feels her heart flipping and twirling and it's the first time she is glad to be the only person who can read people's heartbeats through bending.

A horde of possible excuses and justifications darts through Zuko's mind and he frantically tries to pick one of them to sound prudent. Somehow, _I was too busy_ just doesn't do all that right. Not with Toph.

He stops for a second at the possibility to play the Fire Lord card, and is cut shortly before he opens his mouth to speak. This definitely won't come to her liking.

"You do know you have to say something, don't you," Toph pauses for a second before adding, "Sparky?"

It surprises her how naturally his nickname slips from her tongue, and how warm it makes her feel.

His pulse calms down a little and she feels him regain his poise. Toph wants to think her voice has something to do with it. (She also doesn't want to think about why she wants to think that.)

Before she receives his response, he tightens his grip on her hand, and she swears his face is closer than it was before. For the second time that day, she is happy Zuko can't read her heartbeat when it rises at the sound of a smile in his voice, "thank you for coming, Toph."

There could be more to say, and even more to hear, and she sets her mind to get everything out of him later and make sure he doesn't ever get away with his inexcusable behavior again, but for now, these 5 words shall suffice.


End file.
